If You Really Loved Me You'd Let Me Eat Your Brain

Has no one in corporate America learned anything from the past decade of e-mail fueled scandals and lawsuits?

 This showed up in my inbox at work today, along with an attached résumé.  The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

Lord Vader;

I received this resume as a candidate for our open Death Star Technician III position.  He had indicated he worked at DeathComm and had designed the HN5X1-88 Gravitic Purifiers for them.

Unofficially, would your team recommend I bring this person in to help me with:
1) Ongoing Blowing-Stuff-Up support.
2) Assistance with the Klown Reverser project.

If you prefer, I’m OK with just a verbal response.  This will go no farther then between you and I.

Thank you

Moron J. Assclown
Head Bee Watcher
Lap Pinkies'R'Us

 

Unofficially...a verbal response...this will go no farther...  Yikes.  he should have just entered "Blink twice if he's a J-O-O" for the message subject.

The really funny thing is that the message was forwarded to me by a co-worker.  He didn't even have the guile or brains to remove the incriminating portions of the original e-mail!

Another tragic death that could have been prevented with club soda.

Hmm...this is a close one, but I'm going to have to go with Gun.  Parents who feed their three-month-old baby enough vodka to give it a blood alcohol content of 0.47 are people I'd rather have dead than reproducing and/or harming others with their fucked-up decision-making skills.

Shuttle Commander and Queen Moron of the Upper Stratosphere Eileen Collins said she can see environmental damage on Earth from outer space. She warned that greater care is needed to protect natural resources. Read all about it here.  

 

Sometimes you can see how there is erosion, and you can see how there is deforestation. It's very widespread in some parts of the world.

 

In space no one can hear you get pimp-slapped. You can see erosion from space? Good God, woman! We have satellites for measuring that, and you can be sure deforestation is being studied closely using other orbiting assets. To come out pronounce ecological disaster and use such scientifically imprecise language as "widespread environmental destruction" ought to be enough for this woman to have her Big Scientist Degree taken back.

 

We would like to see, from the astronauts' point of view, people take good care of the Earth and replace the resources that have been used.

 

Yes, Queen Stupid, we will manufacture oil, water, coal, natural gas, and any number of minerals and put everything back the way it was. Idiot.

 

The atmosphere almost looks like an eggshell on an egg, it's so very thin.

 

So it's like an eggshell, which one would find where? On an egg? Hence the use of the "egg" before "shell" to indicate that the shell is part of the egg, very egg-like, and indeed integral to the egg-ness of the egg.

 

We know that we don't have much air, we need to protect what we have.

 

Good freaking lord! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH AIR!? WTF is this stupid cow talking about? Are we going to run out next Thursday? Should we all be taking shallow breaths!? It's not like air grows on trees or something!

AAAAAGAGHHH! My valve is sealing shut!

What bothers me the most is that I haven't seen anyone in the media comment on her overly broad and unscientific statements. She's a NASA scientist, right? Aren't they supposed to be methodical empiricists who think before they speak? Who let this dingbat into the program in the first place, and why aren't more people upset over her scary bedtime stories from the Big Bad Earth Reader?

Al Sharpton is at it again, as confusing and stupid as ever.  Following Jesse Jackson's formula he's rushed to the aid of the family of some non-Caucasian person who was killed or arrested or roughed up and is urging everyone to be calm by screaming things like "STAY CALM!!  EVERYBODY REMAIN CALM!!  I URGE YOU TO STAY CALM!!!"  He spoke at a church service Sunday, a day after the funeral for 19-month-old Suzie Pena who was killed in a shootout with the LAPD.  Well, she wasn't shooting at them but her dumbass father was.  He was also killed in the shootout.

Here is a sampling of the tasty little word salad Sharpton puked up Sunday, according to CNN:

"There cannot be a knee-jerk reaction when we will always say the police is right," he said. "There cannot also be a reaction, knee-jerk in the community, saying they're always wrong."

 

Read the CNN story if you dare.

Humanity has reached a new low: Paying children to beat up the disabled.

PITTSBURGH (AP) -- A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday.

Mark R. Downs Jr., 27, of Dunbar, is accused of offering one of his players the money to hit the boy in the head with a baseball, police said. Witnesses told police Downs didn't want the boy to play in the game because of his disability.

 

Read the full story here.

On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States.

Check out the AP story. The dude looks pretty whacked out.

I really wonder why the border agents couldn't detain him longer or turn him back. There were no concealed weapon laws in Maine, nothing regulating the length of a knife blade one could carry, etc? I find it hard to believe that our border agents can't refuse to let people on, even if they do have the proper documentation. Like, say, 19 or so Muslim terrorists.

Then again, I'm sure detaining him longer or refusing him entry would harm Mr. Despres' valuable rights. Pffft. Mark my words: Liberals and the ACLU are doing everything possible to weaken border controls, usually claiming that new controls would be racist.

Paris Latsis, 27, is the grandson of a dead Greek shipping billionaire. He is reportedly engaged to Paris Hilton.

We'll all owe Latsis a debt of gratitude if this gets Hilton out of the spotlight. But I still think he's an idiot. Paris Hilton's ideal mate is a big mirror so she can stare at herself and make soft coo-ing noises. The only thing more self-involved than Paris Hilton is a black hole.

This cannot end well.

I've never heard of Charlie Amter before. In this hard-hitting piece of middle school journalism, Amter rehashes earlier reports of two total ass-clowns in England who filled fluorescent tubes with fuel to make light sabres. What, you didn't read about it at Blogarula? Shame on you.

One paragraph in Amter's story almost slammed my valve permanently shut:

Aside from fiery accidents, the Sith craze is being blamed on a string of robberies. In separate incidents in Illinois and Florida, dark side-inspired crooks wearing Darth Vader helmets are being sought by police on assault and robbery charges.

The Sith craze? What Sith craze? The Sith craze is being blamed on a string of robberies? Sure, there have been some SW-themed crimes lately, but what Sith craze is the author talking about? I hardly think a string of robberies is responsible for the massive hype surrounding the movie. What the HELL is he talking about!?

Read the article for yourself...it's a rambling, disconnected piece of garbage. Amter should have his pie-hole glued shut, Texas-style.

Stupid woman, or small car? Or both?

A woman was arrested after the California Highway Patrol officer who pulled her car over found nine people crammed inside, including two children in the trunk.

Lavern Dunlap, 35, of Glendora, was pulled over about 8 p.m. Friday after another driver reported seeing a woman closing the trunk of her Toyota Corolla with two children inside as the vehicle sat parked on a shoulder.

Well, you see, that's the fatal flaw in her plan. My friends have crammed me into the trunk of a motor vehicle before, they were just smart enough to not let anyone see.

Dunlap told the officer she was heading to her sister's house in Palmdale, about a 60-mile trip.

That's enough time for a child to die in a trunk if the exhaust system has problems. And let's just assume that this lady was driving a broke-ass piece of crap. And finally...

No one was wearing a seat belt.

Of course not.

My jujjment: Stick for Laverne, boot to the head for the unidentified adult, foster families for the children.

Check out this MSNBC story.

By Evan Thomas and Michael Isikoff
Newsweek

May 30 issue - What really happened at Guantanamo? Last week, amid the heat of the controversy over Newsweek’s retracted story, new details about the issue of alleged mistreatment of the Qur'an emerged.

What happened? You guys fucked up! But rather than reporting on their shitty journalistic practices, the Newsweek boobs swivel the spotlight to the supposed furor over alleged charges that at one time or another a theoretically-existing Koran may have been, it is said, mishandled at Gitmo. Allegedly. Or so it is imagined. Maybe.

Here is what the Defense Department has to say about the supposed alleged incidents:

In one case, a female guard allegedly knocked a Qur'an from its pouch onto the detainee's bed.
In another alleged case detainees became upset after two MPs, looking for contraband, felt the pouch containing a prisoner's Qur'an.
While questioning a detainee, an interrogator allegedly put a Qur'an on top of a TV set, took it off when the detainee complained, then put it back on.
In another alleged instance, guards somehow sprayed water on a detainee's Qur'an.
In December 2002, a guard inadvertently knocked a Qur'an from its pouch onto the floor of a detainee's cell. A number of detainees protested.

Wow, this is serious! Touching the Koran, letting the Koran touch the floor. Holy shit! What next!?! The orders to construct the supertoilet capable of passing a Koran in a single flush obviously came from Darth Rove!!

This handful of alleged cases came out of thousands of daily interactions between guards and prisoners. None has been substantiated yet ...

Oh, so it’s likely that none of these alleged instances of book torture were intentional? Like, an accident, eh? And not the kind of North Korean, North Vietnamese, Soviet Gulag, Japanese prison, or Chinese Re-education Camp accidents. Actual honest mistakes. What kind of moron would think the Pentagon wasn’t ready for the need to be sensitive to the Koran?

... Guantanamo commanders issued precise rules to respect the "cultural dignity of the Koran thereby reducing the friction over the searching of the Korans." Only chaplains or Muslim interpreters were allowed to inspect detainees' Qur'ans. "Two hands will be used at all times when handling Korans in a manner signaling respect and reverence," the rules state. "Ensure that the Koran is not placed in offensive areas such as the floor, near the toilet or sink, near the feet, or dirty/wet areas..."

Uh huh.

...the Pentagon may look further into the reports found in the logs. The Pentagon is not ruling out the possibility of finding credible reports of Qur'an desecration. But so far it has not found any.

Oh, OK. Back to the complete accident theory. So there are all sorts of allegations of mishandling these books but nothing has been substantiated. Or maybe there were acts of desecration but it was the prisoners doing the desecrating:

...in 2002, the inmates suddenly started yelling that the guards had thrown a Qur'an on or near an Asian-style squat toilet. The guards found an inmate who admitted that he had dropped his Qur'an near his toilet. ...the inmate then was taken cell to cell to explain this to other detainees to quell the unrest.

I know what you’re saying. "Tom, waaaait!! It’s impossible for a Muslim to desecrate a holy book!" Bullshit! Bibles, which the Koran mentions as being a holy text, are burned as a matter of policy in Saudi Arabia. Heck, Bibles and crucifixes are illegal there!

"But wait," you’re saying..."no sane Muslim would desecrate their own holy text!" Again, bullshit. Those kinds of absolutes rarely hold up in the real world. I call that “stereotyping.”

I can think of 19 extremely devout Muslims who collectively, I’m sure, burned a number of Korans one fine September morning back in 2001.

In summary, let me state for the record that I believe America to be the best jailer in the world when it comes to how they treat their prisoners of war and assorted terrorists (who are not, by the way, given most of the Geneva Convention protections as people assume.) I assert that the US jailers have gone far, far out of their way in their respect for the Koran - further than I'd have gone. You want your little book? Better be a good boy and tell us about Uncle Osama. No talky, no booky. Hell, I'd ever arrange to have some clowns write "KOORANN" (hence, not a real Koran) on bits of paper and flush them down the toilet. A regular-sized toilet.