If You Really Loved Me You'd Let Me Eat Your Brain

From the July 22, 2005 Wall Street Journal, Joe Morgenstern's thoughts on Michael Bay's latest celluloid affront:

"The Island" comes on like an overproduced coma, and leaves you feeling comatose by the end.  In between are 127 minutes of intermittent chaos that feels like a lifetime.

I won't blow the movie's big surprise, even though you'd guess it soon enough if you actually went to see this sci-fi monument to studio idiocy.  Suffice it to say that the script's many sources include "Blade Runner," "Coma," "Logan's Run" and a rancid whiff of "Soylent Green"; that "The Island" is a poor advertisement for stem-cell research, and that the director was Michael Bay.  His specialty, in such action extravaganzas as "Armageddon," "The Rock" and "Pearl Harbor" has been thunderous, consequence-free effects, and he is up to his old trick – his only tricks.

That explains the $10-ish million opening weekend.  I'd hope this is the beginning of the end for Mr. Bay but as long as cars are plentiful and crashy and audiences stupid he'll keep making movies.

I went and saw "Batman Begins" today. I ran into Broken Little Person Sitting on a Tree Limb there. He was also taking in the 1:00 PM unemployment matinee but unlike me he was getting paid to see the movie. I'm off the dole, but BLPSoaTL is still milking the system. More power to him.

I enjoyed the movie a lot and I can't find anything in it to complain about. I liked the way Batman's training was explained, and I didn't think spending half the movie on it was too much. Batman's high-tech gear is explained quickly and plausibly, and I liked how his limitations were shown. He's just a guy with cool toys, not superpowers. We're also given a glimpse of the kind of person Wayne could have become had he made different choices at critical junctures. To say more would give away too much.

The supporting cast was excellent. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Gary Oldman were in fine form, and even Rutger Hauer turned in a good performance. But maybe that's because he had so few lines. Christian Bale was a good choice for Batman. He's a very physical actor - look at the extremes he went to for "American Psycho" and "The Machinist" - but not so well-known that his celebrity status would detract from the film.

I'm looking forward to the next movie in the Batman series. And I still stick by my prediction that some day Robbie Williams will play James Bond.

The Reverend has seen Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, and he was not disappointed.

I have complaints but they're a magnitude or two less than with Episodes I and II in both number and intensity.

There were times when Stephen Hawking’s Speak & Spell would have sounded like Kenneth Branagh compared to Hayden Christensen’s delivery. I guffawed loudly twice that I can remember in reaction to some monstrously bland dialog. Lucas bashes us over the head with some exposition that has all the grace of Helen Keller and Tommy (the Pinball Wizard) juggling water balloons on the surface of a neutron star. A few of Palpatine’s scenes were so bad that I thought I was watching outtakes from Scream IV, or Ernest Goes to the Dark Side. Why did the Wookies give the Tarzan jungle yell when they were swinging into action? Gen. Grievous and some of the other mechs seemed really clunky when they moved...

But then...Ewan McGregor turned in a pretty good performance. Ian McDiarmid’s cunning was delightfully wicked at times. The fight between Grievous and Obi-Wan was interesting. The extended sequence for the execution of Order 66 was very well done. The final fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin was excellent, and the results very, very gruesome. The birthing scene was very touching and the ending was excellent.

Still, the Luc-ass can never be forgiven for screwing up I and II so much. If I had him in a locked room I’m probably go postal and Gimp him for the rest of his life. He’d only be allowed out to sweep the theater and work on fixing I and II. Prior to seeing this movie I would have Gimped him and tossed him in a river.

I’d give it a 7 out of 10, and I think I’ll be seeing it again on the big screen.

The Wall Street Journal today reports on upcoming video games based on darker, grittier fare.

Electronic Arts will release "The Godfather" in November. Robert Duvall, James Caan, and Marlon Brando contributed their voices and likenesses to the game.

Vivendi Universal is working on a game based on "Scarface."

Warner Brothers Interactive has tapped Clint Eastwood to reprise his role as Dirty Harry Callahan for a title under development.

Take-Two Software Inc. is creating a game version of 1979's "The Warriors." (Note to Take Two: I do a pretty bad "Warriors! Come out and play-ay!" if David Patrick Kelly is busy. ) The company also plans to publish a game based on "Reservoir Dogs."

Majesco Entertainment Co. is considering making a game based on "Taxi Driver."

Go see it. It's a happy little musical with something for everyone in the family!

But seriously, I think it was almost flawless. I'll have to see it again to find out if it holds up when I'm in a more critical mindset. I was so giddy seeing it tonight that 3XHAR and I were told to shut up by the teenaged guy in front of us. I wasn't trying to be annoying, I was just having a very visceral reaction to the non-stop violence.

Sin City is the best movie adaptation of a comic book series that I've ever seen. And for those of you with little kids, don't worry - the violence is all quite justified. Marv doesn't kill or hurt out of spite, he does it for good old-fashioned justice, which is just the better-looking younger sister of revenge. Now isn't that a family value you'd like to instill in your children?

Lucas is at it again. Now he's going to re-release (or is it re-re-re-release?) all six Star Wars movies...in 3-D!

I suppose you have to rely on gimmicks when your movies have horrible acting and pathetic scripts. [Put away the long knives, nerd: This only applies to episodes one through three.]

No such gimmicks need for The Incredibles, especially when you're watching it on a 150 inch screen. A friend of mine has upped the giant TV arms race by moving totally beyond the limitations of glass and steel. Now he "projects" images onto a "wall." Insanity! Kwik2Jujj, 3XHAR, and Blogarula were all witness to the spectacularly clear and gigantic throwing-box. I am truly humbled, and I demand a government grant to stay up with throwing-box technology, as is the honored and sacred way of my people.